


Wonder What You Are

by Capriccio



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Community: kinkme_merlin, F/M, Grief, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-05
Updated: 2011-09-05
Packaged: 2017-10-23 11:10:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/249629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Capriccio/pseuds/Capriccio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a sadness in Gwen's eyes that wasn't there before. In the days following her father's death, Merlin sees very little of her. When he does catch her at the water pump or in the hallways, she turns away to hide her face. He can't think of what to say to make her smile again. (Set after 1x12.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wonder What You Are

**Author's Note:**

> **Notes:** Originally posted [here](http://kinkme-merlin.livejournal.com/1108.html?thread=5911380#t5911380) for the prompt: _Gwen/Merlin, I'd grant you anything_. Title taken from, um, "Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star".
> 
>  **Acknowledgements:** **sophinisba** is amazing and not only offered to record a podfic of this story, but also beta-read it. Huge, huge thank you to her for all that she's done. Any mistakes are mine. Please do check out the collection of **✩[Gwen/Merlin podfic](http://sophinisba.dreamwidth.org/334231.html)✩**.
> 
> Also available on [livejournal](http://capricornucopia.livejournal.com/7715.html) and [dreamwidth](http://capriccio.dreamwidth.org/1019.html).

There’s a sadness in Gwen’s eyes that wasn’t there before. In the days following her father’s death, Merlin sees very little of her. When he does catch her at the water pump or in the hallways, she turns away to hide her face. He can’t think of what to say to make her smile again.

Merlin goes to Morgana for help, but Morgana only shakes her head, dark circles underneath her eyes, and says she’s doing her best to help. Morgana gently suggests that it will take time for Gwen to heal, and that keeping busy will help her forget. She needs to be left alone to grieve. Merlin frowns at that, not because Morgana’s wrong, but because what had worked for Morgana might not work for Gwen.

He tries Arthur next. Arthur nods firmly and goes to Gwen immediately, reminding her that he will follow up on his promise to make sure that Gwen is taken care of all the rest of her life. She will never want for anything, he assures her. Gwen ducks her head and dips a curtsey, thanking Arthur for his generosity. Her smile never reaches her eyes.

In desperation, Merlin turns to Gaius. Gaius tuts softly, explaining that Gwen has suffered a serious trauma and needs to be looked after. He gives Merlin a meaningful look before running his fingers over his case of vials and selecting one. He asks Merlin to deliver it to Gwen to help her sleep.

It’s well into the night by the time Merlin musters up the courage to visit Gwen’s cottage. If he were honest with himself, he would admit that he dawdled on his chores, trying to put off their meeting. But he’s put it off for too long, and he needs to do _something_ to help her. He takes a deep breath and knocks on the door. No one answers, so he knocks again and then for a third time several minutes later.

He’s worried now, very worried. Maybe Gaius knew something was wrong? What if Gwen—

But Merlin won’t let himself think that way and opens the door with a spell before he realises the words have fallen from his lips. He pushes the door open and steps inside, but everything’s dark. He freezes, listening very carefully, and then he hears it—a sharp _clang_ that slices through the air.

He’s off like a hare and stumbling across the threshold of Tom’s forge before he can stop his feet from moving. His movement evidently startles Gwen, who has one arm raised above her head with a hammer in her grip and a still-hot blade on the anvil.

“Merlin!” Gwen exclaims. She wavers for a moment before bringing the hammer down with another _clang_ against the metal. “Sorry—” _clang_ “—have to—” _clang_ “—keep the metal—” _clang_ “—hot—” she pants. Merlin nods and watches her work, skin glistening in the light of the forge. When she’s finished, she catches up the blade—for a knife, Merlin thinks—with a pair of tongs and dips it into the barrel of water, steam instantly hissing in the air. She wipes her brow with the back of her heavy glove, leaving a dark smudge of soot across her cheek as she places the metal aside. She’s wearing breeches and an apron over a leather jerkin too big for her, Merlin notices.

Gwen finally turns to Merlin, her pose now slightly awkward without metal in her hands. “I—I didn’t know you were coming,” she says nervously, her eyes darting around the forge.

“Neither did I,” Merlin says sheepishly, and he can’t bring himself to deliver the vial.

They stare at one another.

“So,” Merlin says after another moment. “That’s for a knife, is it?”

Gwen blinks at him. “Yes. I mean, no. I mean, it’s going to be a knife, but it’s not quite finished yet,” she stammers. “It was one that my father—” she pauses at the word, then continues on, “—that he was commissioned for. He never got to finish it.” She bends her head and takes off her gloves while Merlin pretends he doesn’t see her drop a tear.

“It’s lovely,” Merlin says earnestly. ”Very...knife-y.”

Gwen is startled into a giggle that somehow turns into a hiccup, and Merlin grins in return because it’s the first real smile that he’s seen on her face for a long time. They dissolve into giggles together, more because of Gwen’s odd-sounding hiccup than anything else. “Merlin,” Gwen gently chides, once she stops giggling, “we really need to work on your vocabulary.”

“Don’t your neighbours complain about this noise?” Merlin asks, out of breath with laughter.

“Not yet,” Gwen says, a smile still hovering around her mouth. “My father used to work long hours, so I suppose they’re used to it,” she says.

Merlin watches as Gwen’s eyes linger on the tools set neatly upon the bench. He seats himself on a nearby stool and turns his face toward Gwen. “Tell me about him,” he says.

Gwen smiles once more, this time a sadder smile, Merlin notes, and sets down her hammer only to pick up a broom. “He always wanted better for us,” she says as she sweeps the forge. “He liked taking ordinary material and turning it into something different, something more. He said he wanted us to be the same—start off ordinary and become something special. I suppose he always wanted better for _me_. He was so happy when my lady chose me as her maidservant,” she says.

Merlin nods silently, simply listening to her speak.

“He even brought me flowers when he found out,” Gwen continues softly. “He always used to find these lovely little white flowers and give them to me whenever I was sad, or happy, or even just for no reason. Starflowers, he called them. He brought me a whole armful that day, he was so proud of me. I could never find them growing myself, and he never would—tell me—where he—found them,” she adds brokenly. The broom falls from her grasp and the handle makes a sharp _clack_ against the ground.

Merlin jumps up from the bench and folds Gwen into a hug. “I miss him so much,” Gwen says and buries her head into Merlin’s shoulder. He can feel her body shake with silent sobs.

“Gwen,” Merlin says gently. “I’m so sorry.” He strokes her hair and holds her tightly through the night.

***

“Are you _trying_ to get yourself fired?” Arthur yells the next morning. His voice is entirely too loud in Merlin’s room, echoing off the walls.

Merlin cracks open an eye and looks up at Arthur blearily. “If you fire me, does that mean I can go back to sleep?” he mumbles.

“It’s well past breakfast. Where in the world were you last night? This is ridiculous, even for you,” Arthur says huffily.

“I was at Gwen’s,” Merlin says around a yawn, and it’s only when he’s finished his stretch that he sees Arthur staring back at him, scandalised. “It’s not what you think,” Merlin says quickly. “She was—she needed my help. I stayed with her until she fell asleep and then I came back here. I swear!”

Arthur looks at him, suspicion still evident on his face. “You had better not be taking advantage of her,” he says uncomfortably.

“I’m not. Promise!” Merlin insists. “It’s just, she needed a friend last night.”

Arthur seems to accept this and nods. “Is she in want of anything?” he asks after a moment.

“I don’t—I might not be the best person to ask of that,” Merlin admits sheepishly.

Arthur snorts. “Well, it’s not surprising she turned to you,” and at Merlin’s smile, Arthur adds, “because you’re a complete and utter _girl_ , Merlin.”

Merlin scowls. “Now that you’ve established your overwhelming masculinity, _sire_ , is there anything else you’d like to do, or is that all on your schedule for today?” he grumbles.

Arthur grins and begins throwing Merlin’s clothes at his head. “As a matter of fact, there is,” he says.

***

“I shouldn’t have opened my big mouth,” Merlin gripes not too much later.

Merlin can feel Arthur’s grin from behind him a few paces away. “Haven’t learned that lesson yet, have you? Go and fetch me that pheasant,” Arthur says, gesturing toward the forest undergrowth. “The cooks will be happy with that one,” he remarks cheerfully.

Grumbling, Merlin drops on his hands and knees and crawls forward a bit, ducking to avoid the lower branches. He can’t find the bloody pheasant, of course, because while Arthur is rather ace at killing _non-magical_ things, he never takes the time to notice where they land when they die.

He’s just about to turn around and give up when he sees it—not the pheasant, but a flash of white. He scoots forward, stumbling over a tree root, but he finds it. A tiny little clearing filled with dozens, even hundreds, of little white flowers shaped like stars. “Oh,” Merlin breathes.

When Merlin crawls back out with an armful of flowers and no pheasant, he’s not really surprised to see Arthur staring incredulously at him. “I’m not even going to ask,” Arthur says, throwing up his arms in exasperation. He shoves Merlin aside forcefully and dives into the undergrowth to search for the pheasant himself.

Merlin just grins.

***

Later that night, Merlin goes to the forge first. Sure enough, Gwen is there, gazing silently at the glowing hearth. Merlin clears his throat loudly.

“Merlin!” Gwen says, and stands up quickly. She avoids his gaze and brushes her hands nervously against her jerkin. “I didn’t expect you back again,” she murmurs. “Not that you’re not welcome, of course, but I thought that last night when you stayed—and thank you for staying—but when I—well, when I cried, I must have ruined your clothing and I know how much work that is—not to mention completely embarrassing, and—”

“Gwen,” Merlin interrupts, “I’ve brought you something.” With a flourish, he presents her with the bouquet of little white flowers.

Gwen says nothing, but her eyes fill with tears once more. It’s only then that Merlin realises this might have been a mistake.

“I just thought you might like them,” Merlin says, panicking.

Gwen still says nothing, staring at the flowers, and Merlin’s just about to apologise for stirring up sad memories when Gwen flings herself against Merlin and almost crushes the bouquet. Suddenly, she’s kissing him, too, and Merlin thinks maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

Gwen pulls away quickly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get carried away,” she gasps. “It’s just—where on earth did you find them?” she asks.

“I can show you tomorrow,” Merlin says. “A flower for a flower,” he proclaims proudly.

Gwen evidently recovers from her embarrassment enough to shoot him an incredulous look.

“Er,” Merlin says hastily, “I mean, for the flower before. When I was sick. I didn’t mean—”

Gwen bites her lip to keep from laughing at him, Merlin’s sure. But she only says, “Thank you, Merlin. I would like that very much,” and smiles, just for him.

***

It’s dark the next night when they manage to sneak away from the castle. Merlin takes Gwen’s hand in his and gently leads her over the rough patches in the ground until they reach the hidden clearing.

“It’s beautiful,” Gwen says, eyes wide. She reaches out to touch a flower, her finger gently tracing a petal.

With a whispered spell, Merlin calls down a bit of starlight to make the flowers sparkle faintly. He hears Gwen gasp softly beside him, and she tightens her grasp on his hand. “Are you doing this, Merlin?” she asks, and turns away from the flowers to look at him, wonder and joy spread across her face.

Merlin smiles back at her and leans forward to kiss her gently. “I’d grant you anything, Gwen,” he says. “Even the stars.”

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Wonder What You Are](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4756403) by [sophinisba](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sophinisba/pseuds/sophinisba)




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